The Return of the King: Middle-earth’s Most Ambitious Jewelry Return

Ah, “The Return of the King,” the grand finale of Peter Jackson’s epic “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. It’s the cinematic equivalent of that friend who doesn’t know when to leave the party – clocking in at a butt-numbing 3 hours and 21 minutes (or 4 hours and 11 minutes if you’re a masochist who opts for the extended edition). But let’s face it, after two movies of walking, talking, and more walking, we’re invested. So grab your lembas bread and settle in for a wild ride through Middle-earth’s most epic conclusion.

Our story picks up with Frodo, Sam, and Gollum continuing their trek to Mount Doom. If you thought your road trips were bad, try walking across a continent with a jewelry-obsessed schizophrenic as your guide. Frodo, now more addicted to the Ring than a teenager to their smartphone, is slowly losing his marbles. Sam, meanwhile, continues to be the real MVP, carrying not just the emotional weight of the journey but literally carrying Frodo up a mountain. Give this hobbit a medal – or at least a lifetime supply of taters.

Meanwhile, the rest of the fellowship is scattered across Middle-earth like a handful of Dungeons & Dragons figurines. Gandalf, now sporting a spiffy white makeover, is busy in Gondor, trying to convince Denethor that his son Faramir is, in fact, still alive. Denethor, in a stunning display of father-of-the-year material, decides the best course of action is to set himself and his not-quite-dead son on fire. Talk about a warm family reunion.

As if one massive battle wasn’t enough, we then move on to the Black Gate, where our heroes decide the best tactic is to march straight up to Sauron’s front door and pick a fight. It’s like ringing the doorbell of the school bully and then mooning him – ballsy, but probably not the smartest move.

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli find themselves on the Paths of the Dead, recruiting an army of ghostly oath-breakers. It’s like a supernatural job fair, where the main qualification is being really, really dead. These spectral warriors prove to be the ultimate cheat code in battle, sweeping through enemy forces like a supernatural Roomba.

Speaking of battles, “The Return of the King” delivers them in spades. The siege of Minas Tirith is a CGI extravaganza that makes Michael Bay’s entire filmography look like a student film project. We’ve got catapults flinging severed heads, Nazgûl pulling a Pearl Harbor on the city, and a battering ram named Grond that’s basically the Middle-earth equivalent of a nuclear warhead.

But the real MVP of this battle? Eowyn. In a moment that had audiences cheering, she faces off against the Witch-king of Angmar, delivers the sickest burn in fantasy history (“I am no man!”), and then proceeds to shank him in the face. You go, girl!

As if one massive battle wasn’t enough, we then move on to the Black Gate, where our heroes decide the best tactic is to march straight up to Sauron’s front door and pick a fight. It’s like ringing the doorbell of the school bully and then mooning him – ballsy, but probably not the smartest move.

So here’s to “The Return of the King,” a film that proved that yes, one can simply walk into Mordor – it just takes about 9 hours of screen time and a whole lot of perseverance.

While all this is going on, Frodo and Sam are still trudging up Mount Doom, with Gollum playing the world’s worst tour guide. The final confrontation atop the fiery peak is a masterclass in tension, as 9 hours of storytelling comes down to one hobbit’s willpower versus a piece of jewelry. Spoiler alert: the jewelry almost wins.

But wait! Just when all seems lost, our boy Sam comes through again, carrying Frodo when he can’t walk any further. If there was ever a moment to blast “You’ve Got a Friend in Me,” this is it.

In the end, the Ring is destroyed, Sauron gets his eye lasered, and Middle-earth is saved. Cue the celebrations, the coronations, and the longest series of endings since… well, ever. Seriously, this movie has more fake-out endings than a sitcom’s “Will they, won’t they” romance arc.

We get treated to not one, not two, but seemingly endless emotional farewells. Frodo sails off to the Undying Lands (aka Fantasy Florida for retired heroes), leaving Sam to enjoy his happily ever after. As the screen fades to black for the umpteenth time, even the most die-hard fans are checking their watches and wondering if they’ve missed their dinner reservations.

“The Return of the King” is a monumental achievement in filmmaking, a visual spectacle that redefined what was possible in fantasy cinema. It’s also a testament to the power of friendship, the triumph of good over evil, and the importance of proper ring disposal techniques.

So here’s to “The Return of the King,” a film that proved that yes, one can simply walk into Mordor – it just takes about 9 hours of screen time and a whole lot of perseverance. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go rest my eyes after that marathon viewing session. Wake me up when Peter Jackson decides to adapt “The Silmarillion” into a 37-part miniseries.